Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Beginning...

At the very beginning, we were married, we were young, we were full of expectations of how our life would go. The plan went something like this: July 15, 2000 we would say vows and meant them; By July 2001 we would have Watson Baby #1 in the oven; All consequent babies would be spaced two years apart until we reached a max of 6; Life would be a beautiful picture of 'better' and 'health' and not too much 'worse' and 'sickness'. Funny how my best laid plans seldom match up to my Lord's best laid plans.

For years, I fought with the Lord, wept, begged, bargained, raged, acquiesced, then started the process again. I shutter to think of the multitudes of journal entries trying to convince God to do it my way. Through the years though, the Lord did not let me go or leave me in my hopeless state. He did not answer my prayers for children the way I thought he would or should, but instead he gave me more and more of himself. I learned more of his heart, his ways. I did not always like what I learned. For instance, what 21 year old likes to hear that their way is inferior and no matter how you beg you are not going to get what you want? Finally, after many years, I began to learn the most important thing of all: GOD IS GOOD. He is trustworthy, faithful, and always, always good. This is something I began to grasp in the darkness, as God graciously took from me my fondest dream and without giving me a hope of an answer to my prayer, filled my heart with an understanding of his goodness. I love that time of giving over my hopes to him and asking him to fill me with desire for him.

In 2006, God prompted us into action. He finally gave us a "go" signal in our hearts, so we pursued fertility treatments. This was another dark time of knowing that we'd been directed to try, but not seeing any results. In 2007 we stopped all treatments and walked away from the experience with not a single answer. There was no explicable reason why we could not conceive. I'm so glad that God had already convinced my heart of his goodness or I may have left with bitterness knowing that he was intentionally closing my womb.

One thing remained through all this time: We believed that God wanted us to have children one day. So in 2007 we began to discuss adoption. We had all the fears, misconceptions, and misgivings that are common about adoption, but as we looked into it and asked God for direction about it, every door swung wide open and we cautiously walked through. Until this point, we had not ever seriously considered adoption. We landed at an agency that we loved for their vision of placing babies in homes where they would be discipled in the Lord and we began taking the classes they offered educating us about all the in's and out's of adoption.

We were taking it all pretty slow until one day I got a call from a friend in another state telling me about a girl that I used to know who was pregnant and in a less than desirable situation and wanted us to adopt her baby! After taking it to the Lord, we leaped into action! We zipped around tying up loose ends, got home studies done, worked at our agencies requirements.... only to have the whole situation crash down around us. This was our first failed adoption and it was very, very hard. But through the pain, we came to realize that we had whole heartedly embraced adoption and were not only taking the steps because we believed God wanted us to, but because we believed that adoption was God's first best for us, the plan he had for our family from before the foundation of the world. We no longer held any fear or misgivings, we just wanted to meet our future baby and rejoice at last that God had opened his hand. Little did we know, our first baby was already conceived and he was working in our lives through the failed adoption that we'd just experienced and in the lives of our baby's birth family! Had we not been spurred into action by the failed adoption we would not have been legally or emotionally ready for the birth of our beautiful baby a few short months later.

Isn't God good? He gives and takes away - Blessed be the name of the Lord! I will tell the next part of our story in my next post. But let me leave you with this: I do not regret for a moment the years of dry mourning for a dream that did not come. The fact that I did not conceive as I had planned was God's goodness to our family and I would not ever give back a shred of what God gave me of himself through that time. I also would not choose a different road than adoption for us. As much as I have always longed to be pregnant and have the blessing of carrying my baby within me, I firmly believe that God has given me his BEST gift (aside from Christ) through the adoption of my beautiful children. They are exactly the children that I longed for, exactly the children that our family needed.

Adoption is loved by God and adoption is loved by us!

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