Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Expecting ~ 5 Weeks

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What you see is true. Me! I’M Pregnant! Not a friend of mine or 10, but me. I can’t tell you how completely shocked, awed, humbled, thrilled, scared, thankful, thoughtful, perplexed, old, young, amazed, and blessed I feel.

The Raw Stats:

Age: 32

Weight: 118 lbs.

Children: Two beautiful babies that my heart adores. Sarah, adopted at birth, 4 1/2, and Caleb, adopted at birth, almost 2.

Planned or Surprised: Could not be more surprised. And yet, not. My hubs and I have been praying about whether God wanted to expand our family… I guess we have our answer! The surprise is not in the addition, but in the method.

First Symptoms: Without going into too much detail…  Initially, I thought it was all just really, really bad PMS. We were on a Labor Day camping trip and aside from catching a few pictures of my adorable kids, all I wanted to do was sleep. I couldn’t stop crying about every little thing. Certain anatomical parts felt as if a wrecking ball had taking a few swings. Headache. Nausea. And why would my body not just get in gear and start its monthly thing??

How we found out: We got home from our camping trip. I was about a week late starting and feeling a little irritated and even slightly scared that something was wrong with me (I’m never late. Ever.) I decided to sneak to the store and buy a couple tests, NOT because I thought I was pregnant but because it would rule out a remotely possible reason for my body not following its own rule book. Tuesday morning, Jon got up early for work and I slipped out of bed to pee on a stick. I will admit to being a little clammy and nervous since I know what disappointment feels like; I’ve seen my share of negative tests over 12 years of marriage. I wanted clarity, so I got the test that would either say pregnant or not pregnant. After following the steps, I closed my eyes, counted to sixty, opened my eyes: Pregnant. I think my body went into an instant state of shock. I have little memory of what happened next other than feeling as though I’d been hit by a million shells of hard emotion, none of which felt good or happy. It could not be true and my only thought was “Why would God make me go through this again when I’ve been doing so well at trusting Him?” It would not last. I would be devastated. I may not recover.

How I told my husband: Not as I’d planned, were I ever given the opportunity! When we were first married I had a list of fun ways that I wanted to tell him, creative ways that would give him the chance to respond with joy and proper affection. Instead, at 6 AM that Tuesday morning I stumbled down the stairs shaking, crying, waving a stick at him. Poor man! He had no idea what that stick was at first and he had no idea why his wife, cranky thought she had been of late, was emotionally unseamed and wildly out of reason. Instead of giving him the chance to rejoice with me, I gave him all my raw anguish to try to harness. After finally ascertaining the gist of my wailing report, he gripped my shoulders and said, “Kari, you need to stop this. This is not the most important thing in the world.” Oddly, this calmed me down instantly and reminded me of the two Most Important Blessings of my life sleeping soundly upstairs. Regardless of whether this was ‘true’ or not, that fact remained that God had already given me the desire of my heart. Motherhood was mine whether I was pregnant or not. I think that my instant calm actually scared him, made him think I was angry with him. I stopped talking, stopped crying, started making tea. I hugged him and asked him to pray and told him to have a good day at work. How laughable! Poor, dear man. How much I put him through over and over!

Next: Of course, I did what any modern, connected woman would do at that point and spent a few hours researching what the internet had to say about false positive results (does not happen except in extremely rare scenarios) and took another test. Still pregnant. By the time my dear man came home I was all tearful smiles and ready to share the joy of our news with him. He was still worried about me which held him back from being able to truly share in the rejoicing, but then God gave me a little pearl that set us both free to truly rejoice. We had been given a gift: LIFE! Life is something to celebrate no matter how long it lasts. Whether God had given us this life for a few days, or a few weeks, or 40 weeks or 40 years, this life was a gift from our loving Father and there was no other proper response but to give praise. After 12 years of marriage, we had seen God’s blessing in so many miraculous ways, but especially through the birth and adoption of our two family-making children and now in this blessing of our seed. Lift up your hands and sing praise!

Who we told first: Of course, our families were the first to know. It was a little easier after a couple weeks of processing to share the news without completely loosing control, but not much. My story went like this: We have something we want to share with you. We’ve been praying a lot about adding to our family and have asked God for some clear direction and he has been faithful to give us some… {insert dramatic pause} … We are expecting! The wheels would turn: first conclusion would be that I meant we were adopting, had been chosen, that a birth mother was expecting, then a few clicks later, probably cued by my teary eyes, realization would dawn and my emotion would be met tenfold. It was fun to get to share the news!

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5 weeks down, 34 to go!

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